I always hated the holidays. Although I have had pretty much only lucky and good ones, it reminds me of hard times growing up, guilt and loneliness. This holiday I woke up alone on Christmas morning and was sick in bed for several days-left to evaluate my life; to put it under the microscope once again. I do that anyway, but usually with lots of other distractions which soften the blows. Being sick and not able to move makes me have to really just sit there and look at it. Another year has passed and where am I at in my life? Since staring this journey on the music path and moving to Los Angeles almost five years ago now; I know in my heart that I can proudly say I am doing well. So why do I feel so sad? Today I feel sad because of personal affairs in my life. Yesterday I felt happy from feeling better from my cold and taking a walk in the beautiful country side of my city. Last Monday I felt guilty for not following through on my plan to “do one music business thing every day.” Two weeks ago I was very happy at being nominated for an award for my music, and the next day I felt sad because I compared myself to the other folks who got nominated and who all have so many accolades to their name. Sigh.
I used to suffer from heavy and debilitating depression but haven't for years. I never get REALLY depressed anymore. At least I don't think so, but life can fool you. I'm so proud of myself for moving to Los Angeles with very little and making a life here full of friends, music and accomplishments, but for some reason it still feels like surviving, and I want more than that. Wanting more makes me feel guilty. I often get tripped up in the philosophy of life, the knowing about cycles of ever change and nothingness. Often times it is helpful, to know that everything is temporary, but it doesn't always take the fear away. Fear is what has held me back most of my life. Life has and still continues to be a constant struggle, and I find myself frustrated even now, trying to explain it to whoever reads this; to try and put order to chaotic thoughts. I have wanted to start this regular blog now for many years but haven't out of fear of not having enough to say, not having my writing be perfect, and being judged. I still think of a piece of writing I handed off to someone to look over and make suggestions before I submitted it to a journal. It came back with more red marks than my black type marks and I became completely overwhelmed to the point of throwing it away. In the past when I have written a few essays and put them on line, I spent weeks reading and editing them before publishing them, which I love, but I want to start a regular blog with consistency and know that I couldn't possibly maintain that diligence on a regular basis-so I don't bother-but then I read the book recently by Jen Sincero, “You are a Badass-How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life.” I’m not a regular “self help” book reader and prefer to make fun of them, but a friend in the music industry suggested I check it out, so I opened my mind and dove in. She is a writer who speaks in “plain language”, and is not...well-perfect I guess. The title explains the content of the book with a constant emphasis on self acceptance and action. It spoke to people, like myself, and some people it probably didn't. Writing is something I really love, and particularly writing about my music journey, so I thought that perhaps I can start the new year here-with this very stream of consciousness, not perfect and not very edited piece for my new blog, and to maintain the all important consistency-perhaps it can sometimes be like this, and sometimes way more polished, and that it won't be for everyone, and that can be alright. Life can be very complicated-but in simplistic terms, I just want it to be awesome. I want to laugh and accept the lows more, and really celebrate the highs. I don't want to merely “survive”, but I want to thrive and help others do the same. I'm making my “New Year Proclamation”-not a rigid resolution. Let's put our ever changing energy, hopes and dreams out in the world and see what happens...Happy New Year!