In my last blog post I talked about the massive preparation I had to do in order to go on the road for 3 weeks….This was my second tour and it took a lot out of me, between getting very ill, having to move prior, day job right up until the last day and of course, all the preparation….(I wrote a blog about my tour that I am still catching up 0n-you can read it HERE!) Last year before my first tour, I wasn’t sure about whether I would like it or not-and was surprised at how much I did like it….but I went for a month, and had more leisure time. This tour was mostly back to back gigs-sometimes two gigs in one day! The tour turned out to be successful, and I really did have a wonderful time, but in returning back to Los Angeles, I was thrown right back into the stress of music life; being in charge of a workshop and concert, my regional gigs preparation and getting ready to release a single. I feel so silly to complain, and that is not what this is about, but it’s helpful for me to talk about the realities of the music industry because I know so many others that are struggling with it. I’m basically working myself to exhaustion, and not really sure how to manage it. I feel like if I stop, even for a little while, that I will get so far behind….I also know that these fears and subsequent thought patterns I have are not helpful, and that I need my health more than anything; and most importantly-to be successful… There’s a lot to it though. It took me a long time in my life to even start the journey and a lot of hard work to get to a place where I feel like I am going in a forward direction.
One of the most hardest things to deal with is how much time in advance you have to start on goals. I started actively booking my tour 5 months in advance, and actually that was 2 months too long that I waited because of some personal issues and was too late in getting some gigs I wanted. I want to focus on getting better gigs possibly next year, and believe it or not-I have to actually start inquiring NOW for next summer…The plans I have in mind for releasing my new single requires a bunch of new inquires I have to make…..and on and on and on….again-I hope this does not get taken the wrong way as not being appreciative-I am TOTALLY appreciative and still can’t believe I get to do all this stuff-it has completely changed my life and has given me something to live for and look forward to and I really love doing it-but it’s nice to vent and commiserate with others who are going through the same thing….
I feel tired.
I am writing this blog at the airport. I am planning on taking 8 days off where I will be away from the internet, facebook-basically I will be FORCED to slow down. I woke up and my drivers license was missing out of my wallet. I never found it, but was able to get on the plane anyway; but it was a huge crying freak out to start off my vacation. Two days before, my neck went out and I was totally incapacitated. Sigh.
I’m thinking of my most peaceful scene: Lounging by the water, drink in hand, sun on my body with nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I will get there in a few days, but then it will vanish…I keep telling myself I have to change my life and find more balance. I do for awhile, but then I get back into that work mode and it’s intense and the hours are very long. Sometimes I think about taking a year off and not do much music and focus on my health, but then worry that I will get depressed. Talking about it helps. It’s on my mind so much, that I know eventually something has to give. I have never had so many health issues as recently-and I have never lost my identification ever in my life……
Better start listening to the signs….
A few days after my tour I put on a concert I was really excited about with visiting artist Laura Zucker, my boyfriend Ed Tree and my friend Chuck Roberts. It was at the space of my dear friend Mo who is so supportive. Some community supporters came-the great Jacki Sackheim came and took these awesome photos. There was food and drink and it was all so very lovely. I had issues all day with remnants from bronchitis-I was up until 4 in the morning the night before with my cat at the emergency vet. I put on a good face and performed well, but inside I felt dead and drained….and then really sad that there was this beautiful musical supportive scene and I didn’t feel very present….and then sad that I feel that way often…..
Better start listening to the signs…..
Or how about practicing what I preach! I JUST wrote a piece not that long ago titled, “Giving in is not Giving Up!”
Recently, I found myself at a “spoken word night” and was just going to support but was asked to share something. I didn’t have my notebook with me so looked up on my phone, my “facebook notes,” and chose the first thing that was there from 2014. It was titled, “My Keeping Positive Creed.” I will leave this with my readers in the hopes that it could be helpful-and will read it myself!
My Keeping Positive Creed
Everyone is writing about the passing of Robin Williams, and it got me to thinking about depression-something I struggled with since I was a little girl; moving around from school to school from 2nd grade through high school-as I struggled to get my bearings and fit in; from the East coast to the West coast to the South-then into adulthood all the way into my 30's.....
In recovery, in 2010, I wrote what I called a "creed" as to what was important for me in the process of healing. I read it every day for 2 or so years, and when I started to feel better, I put it away. Sometimes I think that now I am immune to those feelings, but something like this brings it back, and I brush it off, but something about the passing of another person over depression "bothers" me personally, like I am paranoid that I can slip back into those feelings-so I re-read my creed. I'm posting it, in case anyone else would like to make their own creed.
Each day I will give myself an affirmation that:
"I will try my best to receive the intentions and joy of the day, and if strong feelings occur that are uncomfortable, I will sit with with these feelings knowing that they are temporary and transitory, and that in staying with these feelings, as uncomfortable as they may be, I might actually learn something about myself".
"I will stick to my diet, exercise and spiritual program to the best of my ability, knowing that If I miss a day or two, or even a week or two, that I will soon get refocused and return to the practice because it is essential to my well being".
"I will try my best not to give energy to my compulsive thoughts such as the compulsion to hurt myself, and I will not participate in abusive behavior to myself, knowing from experience that the outcome is never positive, and causes me to not be able to participate in activities that I love doing, which are many, and to not have a balanced and consistent experience in life".
"I will believe that the ultimate experience in life is peace, freedom, and the ability to express myself creatively, and even though ambitions and dreams may be realized, that it is the journey with surprises and the people that I meet and connect with, that are the real gifts".
"I will read this daily and tell myself these affirmations, knowing that if I do not internalize it, that I will continue to be met with major roadblocks that will cause me to not reach my full potential as a human being".
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